I'm off to see a therapist today - actually a LCSW. I need to speak to someone who isn't going to give me the "Buck Up" speech or "It will all work out" speech. That is not what I need and no one in my life - husband, mother, brother, live friends, blog friends - seems to understand this.
I would also love to get some comments. I suppose I'll have put out more comments to get others to comment here.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Friday, February 9, 2007
Entry 11
A few things...
I decided to title each of my posts with the entry # as I didn't want to "infect" each post with a title or quip.
I will not have to go to my Daughter until next month. This is good - gives everyone time to calm down.
S.O. is questioning why I need to go to Daughter. He says spending the money on travel would be better spent on something else. Yes, I'm livid. So livid, I'm quiet. I'm still going.
I have thought about dedicating myself to some sort of faith, I'm not sure which. I know there is a site - Beliefnet, I think - where you can take a 'quiz' and it gives you an idea of where you might 'fit in'. I think I'll try it.
I certainly hope someone reads my blog soon!
I decided to title each of my posts with the entry # as I didn't want to "infect" each post with a title or quip.
I will not have to go to my Daughter until next month. This is good - gives everyone time to calm down.
S.O. is questioning why I need to go to Daughter. He says spending the money on travel would be better spent on something else. Yes, I'm livid. So livid, I'm quiet. I'm still going.
I have thought about dedicating myself to some sort of faith, I'm not sure which. I know there is a site - Beliefnet, I think - where you can take a 'quiz' and it gives you an idea of where you might 'fit in'. I think I'll try it.
I certainly hope someone reads my blog soon!
Monday, February 5, 2007
Entry 10
I must go to where my Daughter lives. I must do this sometime next week (the exact date is not known yet). My S.O., who married me promising we would work together to get my Daughter here, will not allow me to purchase a ticket. He wants me to ask my Mother for the money. I am so distraught, I have no idea what to do.
Sunday, February 4, 2007
Entry 9
Something tragic has happened. No one has perished; someone was phsyically harmed.
Circumstances may change; circumstances must change. The time for change is yet to be known.
Sorry to be so secretive.
I can reveal that it is something having to do with a family member and I am doing all I can to help this person through a dififcult time.
I will write more when I can.
Thank you for reading.
Circumstances may change; circumstances must change. The time for change is yet to be known.
Sorry to be so secretive.
I can reveal that it is something having to do with a family member and I am doing all I can to help this person through a dififcult time.
I will write more when I can.
Thank you for reading.
Saturday, February 3, 2007
Entry 8
Mixed bag today.
Yesterday I interviewed for a position that I am qualified for, would do a great job at, could learn a new skill. Drawbacks are that it is full-time and the base salary is small (although, interviewer wouldn't elaborate) and the rest is on commission. The good things are it would be income and, eventually, I could be my own boss.
This coming week I will interview for a job which I can do with my eyes closed. It pays OK and it is part-time. So, I could go to school, have a steady income, spend time with Daughter when she is here, and get other stuff done with my life.
S.O. says he would help around the house, chores, etc. if I got a full-time job; but that didn't happen before. I doubt he will do it now.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Headache time has come. Yesterday, it was more nagging than anything else. Today, it is interfering with me concentrating and focusing. One thing I hate wiht my headaches is I am so bleeding tired and my eyes want to close; but, if I lie down, my head thumps harder.
I don't want to take my migraine meds as I don't think the headache is bad enough. Besides, S.O. gets quite put out and in a horrible mood when I have my headaches. It is as if he thinks I can control when I'm going to have them; I can't. He also is upset that the strong meds put me out for 2 hours; after all, I'm just lying there doing nothing. It's a really suck.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Today's agenda includes only 2 things: Cleaning and Grocery shopping. Both of these will take my mind off the work issues and the headache (I hope).
Yesterday I interviewed for a position that I am qualified for, would do a great job at, could learn a new skill. Drawbacks are that it is full-time and the base salary is small (although, interviewer wouldn't elaborate) and the rest is on commission. The good things are it would be income and, eventually, I could be my own boss.
This coming week I will interview for a job which I can do with my eyes closed. It pays OK and it is part-time. So, I could go to school, have a steady income, spend time with Daughter when she is here, and get other stuff done with my life.
S.O. says he would help around the house, chores, etc. if I got a full-time job; but that didn't happen before. I doubt he will do it now.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Headache time has come. Yesterday, it was more nagging than anything else. Today, it is interfering with me concentrating and focusing. One thing I hate wiht my headaches is I am so bleeding tired and my eyes want to close; but, if I lie down, my head thumps harder.
I don't want to take my migraine meds as I don't think the headache is bad enough. Besides, S.O. gets quite put out and in a horrible mood when I have my headaches. It is as if he thinks I can control when I'm going to have them; I can't. He also is upset that the strong meds put me out for 2 hours; after all, I'm just lying there doing nothing. It's a really suck.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Today's agenda includes only 2 things: Cleaning and Grocery shopping. Both of these will take my mind off the work issues and the headache (I hope).
Thursday, February 1, 2007
Entry 7.5
I went for an interview this morning. I thought it would be a job I could do well in, enjoy, and make a difference in peoples' lives. All was going well, until the last 2 questions. I can't reveal the questions here (as it might give something away) but I can tell you it is something that would cost an employer a lot more than $9.50 an hour!
From the reaction of one of the interviewers to my response, those were "deal breaker" questions.
Even if my perception is off, I would not take the job because I would be expected to perform those functions.
Tomorrow another interview; then one next week.
Job hunting sure has changed over the last 20 years!
From the reaction of one of the interviewers to my response, those were "deal breaker" questions.
Even if my perception is off, I would not take the job because I would be expected to perform those functions.
Tomorrow another interview; then one next week.
Job hunting sure has changed over the last 20 years!
Entry 7
For many reasons, I read the blog of my Daughter's father's wife. I refuse to comment on her blog so, yes, I use a proxy to read it. Anyway, I read that she took my Daughter on a retreat, of sorts. This is something my Daughter did not share with me. I can only guess why she didn't tell me about the retreat; however, I cannot ask her about it. Why? This would reveal that I read the wife's blog.
This is very difficult for me. Not only has my ex allowed his wife to cut me out of my Daughter's life, but (I believe) my Daughter is buying into the "Don't tell the unfit mother what you are doing". (the unfit is placed there not because that is what the court decided, but what the wife has decided) This is very painful for me.
The wife has filled my Daughter's head with lies - that I abandoned her to be with a man; that my life was more important than Daughter. This is so untrue; and, those involved (and the court system) do not want to hear the truth. There is only so much I can explain to Daughter. Once she is of age, it will be so much easier.
The pain in my heart is so tremendous right now...and I have no one to share it with. This will sit in my head - in the pit of my stomach - with all the other pain I cannot share. Aloneness is not all it is cracked up to be.
This is very difficult for me. Not only has my ex allowed his wife to cut me out of my Daughter's life, but (I believe) my Daughter is buying into the "Don't tell the unfit mother what you are doing". (the unfit is placed there not because that is what the court decided, but what the wife has decided) This is very painful for me.
The wife has filled my Daughter's head with lies - that I abandoned her to be with a man; that my life was more important than Daughter. This is so untrue; and, those involved (and the court system) do not want to hear the truth. There is only so much I can explain to Daughter. Once she is of age, it will be so much easier.
The pain in my heart is so tremendous right now...and I have no one to share it with. This will sit in my head - in the pit of my stomach - with all the other pain I cannot share. Aloneness is not all it is cracked up to be.
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