Entry 5

My depression has kicked in again. Better stated - it subsided for a few days, and now it is back.
I've got so much to do and no inspiration or aspirations to do it/them.

S.O. is off doing something productive; I'm sitting here worrying about not getting anything done and upset the day is almost over.

OK, the day isn't really almost over, but, in my brain, it is "late".

I believe it comes from having a Mother who was up and doing things by 6am. To this day, she is up by 6am each day and doesn't sit down to relax until 9pm. She uses this to deal with her Demons - if she keeps moving and keeps her brain active, she will not think or feel. I do not think this makes her at all happy.

I'm thinking about going back to writing my Auto-Bio. Without work, I've got time to do that.
As S.O. sees it, I've also got time to get other things done that I'm not getting done and S.O. will not help with.
Yes, I've chosen this life and, yes, I choose not to change it.

To make any change right now - besides moving to where my Daughter lives - would ensure that my Daughter would never live with me, until she turned 18 and could make her own decision.
This, too, makes me sad.
I made certain choices thinking it would help me and my Daughter. Each of those choices has only hurt our situation.

My heart hurts with this realization.

Entry 4

I hate to admit it: I think S.O. is right. I may not be able to hold down a full-time job due to my unpredictable migraines and my anxiety/depression. I've been out of bed for 2 hours, meds have sort-of worked. If my head wouldn't pound when I laid (lied?) down, I'd go sleep for another 3 hours.

I've been upset that I can't claim these things as a disability.

Once we know that S.O.'s job is secure - or he secures another job, I'm going to look into the disability possibility a bit more. Amazing to me that Indians can claim federal funds just because they were born with "Indian blood" and those of us who really are disabled (even if it is only for 3 or 5 days out of a month) have to jump through hoops - all because I'm white.

Fuck that.

Entry 3

Kelly Services did a great bait-and-switch - sure they had an interview for me (they didn't). I did get a call a day later that they wanted to give my resume to a company; I said sure. I also told them I would be in their town today for another interview so, interviewing for their customer on the same day would make sense. Ehr, no phone call from Kelly. Piss on them! If they find me an interview, it had better be a good one and not some "pie in the sky" "gee, thanks but not really" interview.

S.O. supposedly missed me. S.O. got home after I did, summarily went to computer and came back 1/2 hour later with, "Hi. How was the drive?" Gee, a kiss and hug would have been nice.

Entry 2

It was very cold in the house last night. Not having income, I'm keeping the thermostat at 64. S.O. told me to keep it at 68, but then we get the heating and I get the, "We're gonna lose the house because we can't pay the bills." I just decided to bypass that. S.O. hasn't noticed, yet.

I woke up around 2am, freezing. S.O. had the comforter. I took some of it. I got a resounding, "Don't take my cover, bitch!" This pissed me off and made me wonder...

Do people say the truth in their sleep, just like they do when they drink alcohol?

S.O. says he doesn't remember saying it and, of course, "would never say something like that" to me. Still, I wonder...

Entry 1

I'm going for a job interview in a town 3 hours from where I currently live.

Actually, I'm going to interview with an agency.

My mother and significant other (S.O.) are convinced this will only be for temporary work and the pay will be quite low.

I've told them both that this is a formality - the actual job is permanent and good pay.

Of course, as has been my life story, I don't know what I'm talking about and they do.

I can guarantee that, should this be an interview for temporary work at low pay, I'll find a way to "spin" - ok, lie - about why I didn't take the job.

Sometimes it is good to remember the "old ways" - how to lie to keep people off my back.

In the Beginiing

Welcome to my new blog.
I will remain anonymous to all who visit.
I will tell the un-rated truth about my feelings, my life, and those in it.
Please feel free to comment.