Entry 5

My depression has kicked in again. Better stated - it subsided for a few days, and now it is back.
I've got so much to do and no inspiration or aspirations to do it/them.

S.O. is off doing something productive; I'm sitting here worrying about not getting anything done and upset the day is almost over.

OK, the day isn't really almost over, but, in my brain, it is "late".

I believe it comes from having a Mother who was up and doing things by 6am. To this day, she is up by 6am each day and doesn't sit down to relax until 9pm. She uses this to deal with her Demons - if she keeps moving and keeps her brain active, she will not think or feel. I do not think this makes her at all happy.

I'm thinking about going back to writing my Auto-Bio. Without work, I've got time to do that.
As S.O. sees it, I've also got time to get other things done that I'm not getting done and S.O. will not help with.
Yes, I've chosen this life and, yes, I choose not to change it.

To make any change right now - besides moving to where my Daughter lives - would ensure that my Daughter would never live with me, until she turned 18 and could make her own decision.
This, too, makes me sad.
I made certain choices thinking it would help me and my Daughter. Each of those choices has only hurt our situation.

My heart hurts with this realization.